S01 Ep17: Breaking Out of Lonely Leadership & Into Intentional Community

EntrepreneurshipSelf-ImprovementRelationshipsHealth

Mar 18

Written By Melissa Wesner

Do you relate to the saying, “leadership is lonely?” If so, you’ll be able to appreciate today’s episode where we talk about:
• Loneliness in entrepreneurship
• Health risks associated with loneliness
• The impact that our social circles have on our success, failure, and health and well-being
• Ways that you find community or create the community you need
If you like research, I hope you’ll enjoy some of the stats shared in this episode. If you’re looking to experience supportive community right away, be sure to check out the retreat I’m hosting for entrepreneurs and leaders in Costa Rica this April!
Join me in Costa Rica in April 2024 (use the code DREAMANDDO when you register by 4/5/24 for a $200 discount!)
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (00:24)
Welcome back to the Dreaming and Doing podcast. Today we are talking about breaking out of lonely leadership and into intentional community. And this is a topic that I love and it's a topic that I have lots of thoughts and feelings about. And if you're new to the podcast or if you're new to me and the work that I do, one of the things that I love is bringing people together and building community.
So today's episode is going to be a quick dive into the very real topic of loneliness and leadership. But we're not gonna stay there in this heavy topic. We're going to pivot and I'm gonna be covering many of the great benefits of having the right kind of people around you and how you can surround yourself with those people. In my work as a therapist, I'm regularly hearing people talk about how lonely they feel.
I talk to people who are lonely because they're single and they desperately want a partner. I talk to young working professionals who are lonely and who are convinced that everyone their age is hanging out at the bars and that that's the only way they're going to find friends is by going there too. I also talk to a lot of older adults who feel lonely because their circles are smaller now. Their children are grown and their adult children are busy doing their own thing.
And if there's one thing that I've noticed is that the experience of loneliness is so incredibly painful. And yet there's this one population that also experiences a lot of loneliness that we maybe don't talk about as much. And that is the loneliness experienced by leaders. So you may have heard the phrase that leadership is lonely or
it's lonely at the top. If you're a leader or entrepreneur, it's possible that you've felt this way. If you're a solopreneur, you might be working alone. And if you're a leader with a team, the relationship that you have with your team is different than what it might be if you were peers with those same people. So there's a study that I read recently that said 73 % of business owners reported feeling lonely while running their businesses.
73%. So not only can loneliness be painful, but it's also an issue that the CDC has been talking about because both social isolation and loneliness have been linked to physical health and mental health risks. The thing that I find so interesting is that these health risks are present even if people don't feel lonely. Meaning, if you're the person who is socially isolated,
in that you have limited social supports. You can experience these health risks even if you don't feel lonely or even if you don't think of yourself as someone who is socially isolated. So like I said, I'm not gonna leave you hanging out with this gloomy information about loneliness. We're gonna pivot and talk about why it's so important to be intentional about who you surround yourself with and how you can start building community.
You may be familiar with this quote from Jim Rohn who is known for saying, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So I want you to think about that. Who are the five people that you spend the most time with? And when you think about those five people and who they are in your life, the behaviors they engage in and where they're going in life, what comes up for you?
Does this make you realize that the people you've been surrounding yourself with need to change because of the impact they'll have on you? Or are you feeling like you've done a pretty good job in selecting your people? Years ago, I attended a lecture led by someone who worked with the National Geographic to study the blue zones, places in the world where large groups of people are living to be over 100 years of age.
And during this presentation, the presenter showed what he learned about these blue zones. And one of the things that stood out to him was community and the role that it had in longevity. And what he said was that the people in these blue zones had community. And also there was an understanding that the behaviors of the people in your circle, that they would influence you and your health outcomes. So I ask you,
Do you want to be the average of the five people you're spending the most time with? Maybe you're sitting there going, heck no. Or maybe you're the person who's like, heck yeah, I love the people in my circle. They are amazing. They are fantastic. And if I could be the average of those people, that would just be so amazing because the people I spend my time with are amazing people. Another thing.
I want you to think about around the topic of community and who you're spending your time with. I recently came across something from Dr. David McClelland who is a Harvard social psychologist and he said that the people you habitually associate with determine as much as 95 % of your success or failure in life. If you're an entrepreneur or a leader,
You're likely someone who is motivated and ambitious. You want to succeed. No one goes into leadership or entrepreneurship because you don't want to succeed. So knowing that such a high percentage of your success or failure, a whopping 95%, is tied to the people that you habitually associate with, how are you feeling about your circle? Are you in a circle of people who are going to
uplift you and uplift you and mention your name when there are opportunities, even when you're not in the room to say, you know what, I know someone who would be great for you to meet. I'd love to connect you with this person. Are those the people in your circle or is that not the case? So I want you to be thinking about is it time for you to expand your circle and put yourself into some new rooms with new people or, um,
You know, are there people who maybe are not helping you move forward in the way that you want to? So here are some things that I want you to ask yourself. Who are my social supports right now? Am I content with the number of social supports that I have right now? What about the people who support me in my business or in my leadership role? Do I have supportive people around me?
Do I have enough supportive people around me? And are there people in my circle who are not breathing life into my world, but rather sucking the life out of me? Do I end up engaging in unhealthy or unhelpful behaviors, thought patterns, or attitudes when I spend time with the people in my circle? Like for example, do I find myself being more negative, cynical, gossipy, or insecure when I'm around the people in my circle?
Do I find that I'm engaging in behaviors that don't serve me around certain people? Maybe I'm drinking more or smoking more than I'd really like when really I want to be spending time with people who engage in healthy behaviors, people who are like, hey, do you want to go for a walk? And are there people in my circle who have got to go? In Rachel Rogers' book, We Should All Be Millionaires, she talks about doing an annual friend audit to really be evaluating.
your relationships to say, who are the people who have invested in my life over the past year? And who are the people who maybe who have been MIA, maybe they have not been uplifting and maybe they need to go. And I want you to think about what kind of community would I like to surround myself with? Am I looking for people who are positive and optimistic? Am I looking for people who are driven go -getters?
or am I looking for people who are committed to healthier lifestyles? And what are some things I'm willing to do to seek out that community for myself? So if you're listening to this going, yes, I do feel lonely, or yes, I probably do need to make some changes to my circle, or yes, I need to be putting myself around new people, then I've got a few thoughts for you. As we've already established, right, many of the clients that I work with,
often experience loneliness and they don't know where to start. Like they don't know how to break out of it. They don't know where to go to meet the kind of people that they're wanting to meet. So the recommendations I'm going to give you are specifically for people who want to grow their professional circles or want to grow professionally. So once you've established the type of people or communities you're looking to connect with, I want to encourage you to find communities that meet regularly.
And the reason that I recommend that you look for communities that meet regularly is that you get to build ongoing relationships over time, which is very different than attending a one -time meet and greet with nothing that comes of it afterwards, which is sometimes what happens when people go to networking events. Some options for finding community might be joining a local business group that meets regularly.
There are so many different professional networking groups, Chambers of Commerce, for example, meet regularly. But remember, all programs are not created equal. So see if you can scope them out, read about them online, do your research, maybe ask other people about the groups that they're involved in. And maybe you can see if you can attend one of their gatherings first to see if it feels like a fit. Because before you invest,
too much time or energy into a group, you wanna make sure that the people you want to be with are in those groups and that this is going to be a meaningful use of your time and energy. That you're putting yourself in the right rooms. Another thing that you can do is join a coaching program or a mastermind where you're gonna be surrounded by other big dreamers and entrepreneurs. Some of these programs are designed to help you learn a specific.
like developing an online course while others might be a bit broader. Either way, these programs often meet regularly, so you know others in the program over a period of time. If you need community, you can also find a mentor. One of my old, old clients told me that his mentor said to him, if there's something you want to do or somewhere you want to go, find someone who is already doing that thing.
and learn from them. And I think that this is really why. So if there are people that you look up to whose work you admire, get to know those people, get to know those people. And if you don't have access to that person, there's not enough proximity to get to know them and how they got to where they are, then follow their content, read their content, find out what are some of the things that they've done to get to where they are now.
And some of the things that I'm talking about, of course, do cost money. And I know sometimes if you're a business owner or a leader, that can be a deterrent. Right. But I've you know, and I participated in work related retreats and masterminds myself to learn skills, grow my business and pursue my own professional development. And there are some decisions that you have to make about money and whether or not this is worth the investment. But.
It is, I think, important that we're paying people for the time and their skills and that when we pay people for their services, it's likely that we're getting a higher quality and that we are more committed to actively participating. And also the quality that we get from that person is going to be a higher caliber because there's an agreement with that exchange of money. And one of the things that I've thought about in my own decision is to sign up for different programs.
The thought that has come to my mind is that sometimes you have to pay to play. Sometimes you have to pay to be in the room that you want to be in. And also that can sometimes be uncomfortable because if you were used to being a big fish in a small pond and now you're trying to move into an even bigger pond, you might not feel like such a big fish anymore. And that can bring up a lot of insecurity.
as you're making this transition to grow and to be around different people. And we have to remember that I'm putting myself in this new room for a reason and so that I can grow and I can be around people who are gonna stretch me and that I can be around people who are either already where I'm trying to be or who can help me get where I'm trying to go. And sometimes the community that we want to be a part of does not exist.
I think that this can be especially true for BIPOC individuals or people who are in the LGBTQ community. Maybe there's a particular community that you wish existed that you would like to be a part of and it doesn't exist. And this is sometimes the case for leaders and entrepreneurs. And also when people realize that there's a community they wish existed, they go out and they become the creators of that community.
And in doing so, they sometimes are meeting their own needs. And also they are filling a need that exists in the community that other people are wanting and needing to engage in. So this is something that I have also done, right? As an entrepreneur, I, who has workaholic tendencies, I can work a lot. And one of the things that I need in my life is fun. And I,
As I've said, I value community, but there are times where I feel like I need more community as well. And so one of the things that I have done and am currently doing is that I run a clinician community membership in the greater Baltimore area. And this is a program where mental health therapists who sign up get to come together once a month and we do something fun. And in the process of doing that,
I get to have fun, they get to have fun, we get to know one another over the course of a year. So it's not a once and done thing, but we get to really know one another and talk about life together, talk about what might be coming up for work. But we're also making a commitment to ourselves and our own self care and kind of taking off our professional hat a little bit. So as you're listening, I hope that there are some things coming to mind about
Maybe the circle that you're currently involved in, maybe the circles that you want to be in. But I also want to be transparent that I'm sharing this information, not from a place of having it all figured out for myself, because even though I have sought out supports for my own professional growth, and even though I've created programs for community, there are still some gaps that I'd like to fill in my own support network. And if you're listening and you're wanting community and connection like
the one I'm describing, know that there are other people seeking out the same thing, right? So you're not the only one. Just know that the people you want, they are seeking you out too. It's just a matter of finding one another. And as you know, I am hosting a six day retreat in Costa Rica for entrepreneurs and leaders this April. It's the 14th through the 16th in 2024.
And this is another opportunity for people to make new connections, build community with other like -minded individuals, leaders and entrepreneurs. And I personally believe that retreats are relationship incubators, right? Because it's a place where relationships grow and get established more quickly than they would on the outside. If you've ever watched reality TV, kind of like Love is Blind, which is currently happening, season six is on the air.
Um, you know, you hear people on the love is blind cast talking about how each day feels like a week. And I think the same thing about retreats, right? You have these very long days together where you're doing a lot of reflecting, interacting and engaging. And there's something about that that just helps you get to know people on a deeper level more quickly. And so it's one of the things that I really love about retreats and.
Even the retreats, they were workshops that have hosted in Mexico previously. All of those workshops have resulted in long lasting relationships that still exist today. So if that is something that you are looking for and you're looking for it immediately, because it's coming up really soon, if that is you, know that I invite you to join us at the Ultimate Refresh in Costa Rica.
And the show notes also contain the link where you can read more to see if that might be a fit for you. So whatever it is that you are needing in the form of community, I hope that this has given you some things to think about. Maybe it means I need to do some weeding in my community. Maybe it means that I need to find some new communities, some new people, some new circles. But I hope it's given you some things to think about and some possible action steps that you can take. And may we all go and start building our dream communities.