S01 Ep28: Living a Life That’s Aligned with Your Values with Sophie Koch, LGPC

EntrepreneurshipSelf-Improvement

May 21

Written By Melissa Wesner

Values serve as that crucial bridge between determining what your dreams are and the steps needed to carry them out. Values are at the foundation of what matters to us. They dictate what we like, what we dislike, who we want to be, where we want to go, how we want to get there, and who we want to be while doing it. Our values determine what our dreams are, and in living in accordance with our values, we can pursue our dreams in an aligned way.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
• Ways that you can build awareness of your values.
• How values relate to our dreams and the way we pursue them.
• How to recognize if your stated values are in alignment with your actions
• The importance of honestly evaluating and owning your values
Awareness of our values can facilitate our own personal growth and provide direction for our careers, families, and businesses. If you’re ready for some self-reflection, let’s dive in!
Work with Sophie Koch, LGPC:
Start therapy with Sophie (Marylanders only): https://bit.ly/3yoDYkp or 410-497-8451
Sophie's blog "How to Start Acting as the Person Who You Want to Be" https://bit.ly/3wIeHBa
Have questions about therapy? Check out our private, mini podcast series answering our most frequently asked questions about starting therapy: Starting Therapy Podcast: https://bit.ly/4aldcH5
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (00:01)
Welcome back to the Dreaming and Doing podcast. I am here today with Sophie Koch, who is a licensed graduate professional counselor at LifeSpring Counseling Services. And Sophie is going to be talking with us about values and the importance of living in alignment with our values and how that can influence our dreams and the actions that we take towards them. So welcome, Sophie.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (00:28)
Thank you so much for having me.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (00:31)
I know before we got on here, you said, I love talking about values in general. Tell me a little bit about that and what it is that you love about values.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (00:41)
Yeah. So one of the jokes I always make with clients is that I love talking about values. Whenever I mentioned up what value is coming through, they're always like, a value again. So it is definitely a large part of my work. And I think it's because found values are the foundation of everything. They dictate what we do, what we like, what we don't like, how, what we're motivated to do, how we're motivated to do it. It's really just like the underlining part of us. And so you can.
personalize anything with anyone. You may not be able to have shared experiences with someone, but you can find a similar value in there and something to connect with. So I think values are just a link in so many different ways that you may not even see a link. They're just that core part of us.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (01:29)
Yeah.
And so I think some of us have maybe had more opportunities to reflect on the topic of values, what our personal values are. When we go to school for counseling, some of the treatment modalities we're trained in talk about values and their roles in our lives. So if you're a counselor or a social worker, if you work in that field, you may have reflected on this already for yourself. You may do that work with clients already. If you are a business owner, you might
be thinking about the values for your business, for your company, or your nonprofit. But for other people who are like, I haven't really reflected on my values before, how would you personally define them? And what is the connection that you see between our values and our dreaming and our doing?
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (02:19)
Yeah. So I'm really glad you asked that because I feel like values can be really confusing and people can say, I don't know what I, I don't have any values. I don't know what I value. It's we all have values. It's just kind of knowing what questions to think about to kind of draw those out. my first question is what's important to you. Like what matters to you? What gets you out of bed in the morning? You might say their friends, their family, their job. What are the underlying things in there? Like you really value that the connection to your.
to your family, the social interaction of your friends, the success, the purpose, the sense of meaning in your job, just even production. It's those key parts of the things that really motivate you. And then under that, it's who do I want to be? Like, I'm doing these things that I love and that give me meaning, but who do I want to be while I'm doing that? That's really going to dictate like how you treat others, how you even talk to yourself, the way that in which you communicate and express yourself to others.
And then that's when you can kind of get your values and you know, it's one thing to figure out your values, but it's also another thing to be able to keep looking at your values throughout the day, all the time, every day. And you can't do it all the time because certain values are going to conflict with others, but it's really when you're in alignment with them, you can kind of execute them more naturally than you would if you weren't in touch with them. So you can ask yourself, did I live according to what mattered to me today? Did I?
honor what was important. Did I nourish myself? How did the things that I do today nourish me, the things that matter to me? And also just the what makes me proud of who I was today and who do I want to be tomorrow? These things that, it's a lot of questions to ask yourself, but when you can kind of get in the habit of it, you can really get in touch with who that person is when you're executing your values.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (04:08)
Yeah, no, for that person that you just mentioned, the person who is like, I don't really know what my values are. Or for the person who maybe there was a time in their life where they reflected on that, but it's been a really long while and we know that sometimes things change. How can people figure out what their values are? How can they get in touch with that?
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (04:29)
Sure. So that's where we kind of go back to those questions is making a list. You know, you can make a revision board, you can use art, you can just make your like me. I like to make my list and I even have like a paper that I wrote down and I keep on my wall of those things of what's important to me. Who do I want to be tomorrow? And I find those commonalities. So one thing that's really big with me is kindness. And I talk a lot about
kindness is a value when I'm working with clients. That's always my go -to example because that's my most important value. It's how do I want to talk to people kindly? How do I want people to treat me kindly? So I know that that's a common thing that comes up for me. It's a common theme and that's like an overarching theme of me. So that's kind of what I like to say is a value is like a theme. It's like a little starter pack in a way. If someone were to say, who are you and who you want to be, what little traits or factors or...
people, things are going to be in there with you.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (05:26)
Yes, perfect. So let's say I've done this work and I've reflected on my values and I think that I've come up with them. I have a sense of what they are. How can we use knowledge of our values to help us pursue our dreams, to help us take action?
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (05:47)
So that's where the connection between the dreams and the doing is your values kind of dictate your dreams. Your dreams formulate from what's important to you, otherwise it wouldn't be a dream. That's also why some people's dreams are different than others. Some people might dream of being famous and producing art and putting themselves out there, and other people might dream of enriching their close, immediate life rather than being famous and out there. These are just examples, but...
those values are what really dictate what those dreams become. And then the values underline how you execute them. And so when you're in alignment with your values, you can be reaching your dreams, doing it in a way that is in alignment with who you are and who you want to grow as, or if you're not in alignment with your values, you may not be near your dreams or might be harder to get towards your dreams, or you may not be doing it as the person you want to be. And that's where we can get more frustration and discouragement.
avoidance.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (06:48)
Yeah. So let me ask you, using the example that you just gave, right? Let's say we have two people who have the same dream. And let's just kind of go out there. Let's just say they both want to be actresses. Okay. But one of those individuals shares your value of kindness and...
I don't know. Let's say that the other one, their top goal is success. But they both want the same thing. They both want to pursue a career as an actress. How might those different top values influence how they go about moving in the direction of pursuing their career?
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (07:35)
I'm really glad you asked that because our values are all important to us, but we have a prioritization of that. We categorize them without realizing it. So we might have two people, like you said, with the same dream, the value of being actresses. So what is underneath that? What do they, the art of it, the getting out there and producing something like I was saying. But if one values kindness, they might pursue that dream in a way that is more,
caring for others. Sometimes you hear that cutthroat culture of the acting business, that person might struggle a little bit more to keep up with those behaviors, those things that you do in order to engage in the cutthroat part of the acting versus the other person who cares more about success. That outcome is going to be the more driven part. So it's, yeah, I might have to step on a few toes to get there, but success is what I'm getting. Success is what I'm going to do and I'm not.
going to stop till I succeed versus the other person is I want to be this actress I want to succeed but I also don't want to hurt someone in the process because my value of kindness is also up there too and my dream of being an actress won't be as fulfilling if I know I didn't get there in a way that aligns with also my value of kindness.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (08:52)
Yes, I love that, being able to see how people can have the same dream or goal, but the way that they pursue it based on their values might look very different.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (08:56)
Mm -hmm.
Yes, absolutely. And I think that's a really important part too is because we don't look at values as good or bad, at least not in the world, the acceptance of commitment therapy world I'm coming from, but we look at them as helpful or unhelpful. So, you know, that's when you might have a values conflict. If that person who valued success, but also valued kindness, if they're stepping on people's toes to succeed, then they might have some internal conflict of I really want to succeed, but I also -
part of me feels really badly about doing this to this close friend of mine. And that's when you can get that kind of butting heads internally and it can cause a lot of distress.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (09:41)
Yes. So let's say someone has this dream that they want to pursue. And sometimes dreaming is exciting. You know, we're all ready to go when we're in the planning phase of it, but sometimes when it comes down to implementing and doing, we lose steam or it starts to feel a little bit overwhelming. How can we use our values to keep us motivated when we're facing challenges or when maybe our motivation isn't as high?
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (10:11)
Yes. So that is the beauty of values is they are very rooted in the now. If you are values become goals or dreams when they're in the future and they stay, they originate in the past, but they are most active in the present because in the moment is the only time you can truly act out and align with the value. So let's say you're getting frustrated or you're getting discouraged or it's what can I do in the now? And that's when we start to look at.
Is my current actions leading me closer to my values or leading me further away? So if they're leading you further away, how are they leading me further away? What is causing me to step further away from this value of mine? Is it that I'm isolating myself when I really value social connectedness? Am I engaging in a maladaptive coping mechanism if I really value my health? Things are looking at how my actions are actually leading me the opposite direction of where my dream is or...
I really dream about being a personal trainer. Today I got up early and I went to the gym and I helped someone who didn't know how to use a machine. I would say that aligned with my value. So that's kind of like checking in with what did I do today? And people might think it's a small thing I did today, but no, in the long run, any smaller action is a key action when it comes to living out your values.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (11:30)
Awesome.
So here are some things that I really want to know about, right? Because we're talking about values being aligned, right? And so for me, I often think about, okay, do someone's words and actions match, right? Like in the counseling fields, we talk about congruence. Does what someone is saying, does that match with their actions? What they're saying, does that match how they're showing up in the world, their body language, right? So there are times,
when we know that there is misalignment or maybe a conflict between what someone says is their value and their actual actions, right? It seems like their actions don't necessarily match what they're saying is important to them. And I'm wondering how you interpret that when someone says that something's important to them, but action -wise that doesn't seem to be clear or in alignment.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (12:33)
My first thought is whose value is it? Because if it's not something you're actively doing, where have we gotten the message that that's a value that we should have? And maybe it is a value that we personally do have, but we have to figure that out. Is that a value that you were told to have growing up or from the messages you're receiving from the people around you? And so you say it's important to you to have that social inclusion, but in action -wise, that's not something that matters to you. Because if it was a value, it'd be the forefront of your mind.
Now, if there's means and the resources are something that you don't have, it's making it difficult to live out that value. Or there's another barrier. That is a key part we look at is, was one chunk of the barrier we can take down? Or where's the disconnect here? But it's those questions, those internal questions that are really crucial and pivoting. It's, wait a second, I really love my family. Why am I at the office 50 hours a week? Granted the resources, sometimes it might be the financial reasons.
But otherwise if it's prioritization of time or energy, it's a little bit of a time to step back and say, I'm not prioritizing myself the way I want to. What can I do to change that?
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (13:45)
Yeah, and so I almost hear like three different things that people can do, right? If there seems to be lack of congruence or if there seems to be some type of disconnect between what someone says is their value and their action, I'm hearing, well, I can check my value. Is that really my value?
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (13:50)
Mm -hmm.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (14:04)
Or is that a value that's been handed down to me and I just accepted it without really thinking about it and I just started saying it's my value, but it's not really, right? And it's kind of clear that it's not really my value because my actions don't support that, right? So I can kind of evaluate the value.
or I can evaluate the action, right? Like maybe I am seeing that my action does, maybe I really do value that, but my action needs to change in order to demonstrate that this value, like my family is really important to me. And the other thing that I'm hearing is maybe part of this process involves being honest, right? Because I wonder sometimes, you know, maybe we have just adopted something as our own that's,
not really what we believe as our true value. But I also wonder, you know, are there times where people feel pressured to say that they value something because that sounds good? Or maybe because they think that that's the socially desirable thing to say that they value, but it's not really. And so I'm wondering if you have any thoughts on that.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (15:09)
100%.
Absolutely, and I think that is a large thing is especially in the roles we have in society so while you were saying that I was thinking the first thing of her Mother's Day just passed and a lot of things I was hearing about on Mother's Day were from women who weren't mothers and they were saying that people were wishing them happy Mother's Day and they're thinking I'm not a mom so why I'm a woman do you automatically assume that I celebrate Mother's Day and it's an example of
Society expects women to have that value of motherhood, that maternal instinct, that value of family. So if we have a woman who's prioritizing her career, wanting to be really successful in that before even looking at starting a family, what's wrong with her? Why doesn't she value that? you'll change your mind. Your value will change if you meet the right person. But maybe that value is just not something that she has. Or even, you know, look at it in a different way. In society,
a man, if he values being in touch with his emotions, society says, no, toughen up. Don't, you're a guy, be strong. Emotions are for women. And if a man has that value of, I want to be emotionally intelligent and in touch with myself, he's going to be perceived a little bit, a little off. And even just like, those are the two specific gender norms I'm thinking of.
But even like in any other direction, if you look at the roles and the norms and the stereotypes of society, what is expected of you? What are you expected to value? And then when you don't, how are you kind of ostracized?
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (16:51)
Yeah, and I love both of those examples, right? Because the other thing that I'm hearing is that there may be times where we are judged for our values.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (17:02)
Mm -hmm. Yes, absolutely. And that's where the conflict comes in too. If you value social connectedness or inclusion, you're not gonna wanna be left out from society for having a different value, see, and you might conform.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (17:20)
Hmm, yes. So you've mentioned that twice now that we have more than one value. It's not like we have this one value and it's our only one. We have multiple values and you've been saying that sometimes there can be a conflict between our two values. And so when that happens, what is the process that we can go through to sort that out?
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (17:46)
I think it's definitely again, checking in with yourself. There's...
You know, it's really a matter that's also meaningful to the person. How do you meaningfully check in with yourself? Do you have to go to another person for them to say, you're having an internal conflict right now to point it out to you, whether that's a close friend or even your own therapist, or do you have to be the one to do it for yourself? But it's noticing what am I struggling with right now? What two values are coming to head? How is that changing my behavior? So if I have two values coming to head, it's causing me to behave away.
that's leading me further away from both of them, we're not living according to any of them. So what way can I eliminate the process of focusing on which one? Which one is the most important to me in this moment? And even then it might be hard, but it's what way can I behave that'll get me as close to those two as possible?
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (18:39)
Yes. So I'm wondering, Sophie, what are your thoughts on how we can be more honest about our values, right?
I'm thinking about maybe two examples, right? If ever someone feels pressured to say that they value something that they don't, right? Like maybe like the example that you gave, a woman really cares about her career and maybe she's not interested in having a family, right? Like career is her top value, but if people are like, no, but you have to have a family, right? Like that's what you have to do. Like how do we...
be more honest about our values and kind of feel sturdy in them. Or I'm thinking about other examples, right? Like at our office, we try to be really clear about some of our values and we want to find people who are in alignment with those values, right? Like we have screening questions about some of those values. We ask questions on interviews, making sure that people understand that part of our culture is that we value.
community oriented individuals who want to be a part of a team who want to collaborate while saying that someone who might not be the best fit is someone who is like, I would just be happy to be working in the basement by myself and I don't want to talk to anybody ever. But I think that even in a case like that, there could be times where our sense is that it sounds good to say, yes, I'm a team player, but like maybe I'm not.
Right, and so in some of these cases, how do we just be more honest about who we are and what we value?
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (20:23)
The honesty I think is the toughest part because it's who am I letting down? Am I letting down myself or the people, the concept of what is telling me I should value this?
Being honest with our values can be very natural and it also can be very difficult. And so in one embracing that difficulty, embracing that there might be some emotional discomfort there too, is if we are trying to align with the values of other people because we want to be with those other people, embracing the fact that sometimes is helping us for ourselves, the person we want to grow to be, to step back from those values and embrace the values of people who actually align with us.
or the environments and just looking at.
what the truth of my value is and why is it so hard for me to embrace? Because that right there could also be a value because values sometimes as much as they can cause us to do wonderful things and do dreams and find personal meaning, they can also cause us a lot of pain because if we didn't care about something, it wouldn't hurt. And we care about something because we value it. So I think really coming to terms with that, open and honest self -dialogue.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (21:36)
Yeah, and so acknowledging that there might be some challenges of being honest about your values, right? Like maybe people will disagree with my values. Maybe people will judge my values or maybe I'm not going to fit in a certain place, right? Like at our office is someone who's like, I am a lone ranger. I don't really, I don't really want to be around people or I don't really want to be a part of a team. Like, well then, but if you say that you are, that's not really going to fit, right? So.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (21:42)
Yes.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (22:05)
in that sense, sometimes it might be hard to truly say what your values are. And also I think that there can be maybe some freedom when we are honest about our values and we're kind of just owning them. What are some of the benefits that you have seen when people really know their values and when they like are really solid on them and really just like these are my values, like they are what they are.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (22:35)
I think it really goes to the same, the truth will set you free in a way is, you know, when you're truthful with yourself, that this is important to me, this is what I value, it falls into place, is you know who do you want, who you want to be, and you know how you want to do it. And so I give this example a lot of I value kindness. If I'm driving in a car and I call someone a jerk for cutting me off, that's not very nice. That's kind of violating a value right there.
But if I can say, that wasn't the nicest Sophie, get back in touch with that kindness value. I can also have forgiveness for myself too. So I think really being solid on your values is knowing how you want to be and how you want to act. But when you accidentally find yourself stepping away from that, having the fluidity and the forgiveness of yourself to say, it's okay, I made a mistake. That's okay. I can keep going and I can get right back on the values train. It's not going to take me all the way in a different direction.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (23:33)
Yes, love that. So one action that's out of alignment with my values doesn't mean like I've gotten completely off track. Like I can always shift and get back in alignment.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (23:45)
Yes, yes, it's not like a crash diet where one day you ruin the whole crash diet because of one cupcake or something. It's when you have that intuitive, it's kind of like intuitive eating as you remind yourself, I was feeling this way in this moment and I curb that craving and now I can go back onto the part that makes me feel most well.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (24:10)
Yeah, and as we're talking, I'm thinking about all of the many, many, many ways that values show up in our lives, right? Like our values might influence the type of organizations that we seek for. I'm looking for an organization that values, let's say, female empowerment, right? And so I look for places that are in alignment with my values, right? Or even like the friend group that I choose, right? Or if someone is a person of faith, I might look for a faith -based community.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (24:19)
Yes.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (24:39)
that shares some common values. And even in terms of our use of time or the dreams that we pursue, right? Like which ones, how do I make those decisions about my time and my energy and using my values to help influence that, to make sure that I am living in an aligned way.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (25:01)
And I think that goes towards back to what you were saying about being in alignment with the honesty too, is if you're trying to join a community that doesn't align with your values, why? Who am I trying to be? And it's why do I want to try to be the part of that community? So I think really knowing not only who you want to be, but who you want to be with and who you want to prioritize putting your energy and sharing your values with, like our values are very personal to us.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (25:12)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (25:30)
We can keep growing upon our values, but we can't keep growing with our values if we're in an environment that does not foster them to grow. And so knowing who do I really want to see these values expand upon with, that's going to help you find your community.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (25:38)
Mm -hmm.
Yes. And I'm wondering if you have any other final golden nuggets that you would like to share with people on the topic of values.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (25:57)
I do. I have a way to help people kind of think about what a value is. It's kind of a metaphor of, you know, when we're cooking in the recipe, there's always salt. Salt is a core part of the food to make it flavorful. And I think values are really like salt because, you know, you don't want to put too much in. You want to use it sparingly. And you're going to want to use it in the moment because if you're putting salt on leftovers, it might be too salty the later you eat it. It's in the moment. It's fresh. It's hot. It's
I'm back in and I worked really hard on this cooking this meal, now I'm going to get to eat it. I'm going to add the salt to add flavor to something that's already really enriching. And also it adds, it continues to add. It isn't going to subtract from my life. A value that's subtracting from my life is not a value, or it's a less helpful value that needs to be reworked to make it more workable. So I think as long as you're thinking about what is the salt in my life, that's where you can find a value.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (26:50)
Yes, and I love what you said earlier that reminder that values are not good or bad. We don't have to judge our values as good or bad. We don't have to value anyone else's values as good or bad or put them in a hierarchy necessarily, but they just are.
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (27:08)
Yes, exactly. And when we judge other people's values, it's what value is hitting is being hit inside me right now.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (27:14)
Love that.
Yes. So Sophie, I always ask everyone this question, but what is a big dream that you have?
Sophie Koch, LGPC (she/her) (27:25)
I really dream of taking acceptance and commitment therapy and taking it even further than where it's already gone, expanding upon it in a lot of different sense, in session with my clients, in a technological way, through apps or accessibility through workbooks, and all sorts of people and populations. And I think if I can do that, I will have mission accomplished.
Melissa Wesner, (she/her) LCPC (27:50)
Well, Sophie, I know that if anyone is listening and they're like, I really liked hearing what Sophie had to say. How can I connect with her? You can find Sophie on the Lifespring Counseling Services website at LifespringCounseling .net. Sophie is accepting new clients in Maryland and she is in network with some insurance companies like Cigna, Cure First, Blue Cross Blue Shield.
And so if you are looking to connect with Sophie, if you are in Maryland, you can check out her information in the show notes. And also Sophie, as you heard, loves ACT and she has come out with her very own ACT workbook. And so we'll be putting the link to that workbook in the show notes as well. So if you love what she had to say and you want to read more, you can click on that link and find that workbook. We look forward to talking with you soon.